That Guy

My phone goes off, it’s 4 o’clock

He must be drunk or high out of his mind

Must have been something that you said

Or was it something that you did

Did he give you another black eye....?

Well I don’t want to be that guy

The one you call

The one you need

When no one else is listening

I don’t want to be the one

That you fall upon

But it always happens to me

I’m just that guy

No matter what I do it’s always the same

Never get to enjoy, always have to save

One day maybe I’ll find the girl for me

But until that happens I suppose

I’ll have to continue to be...

Well I don’t want to be that guy

The one that you call

The one that you need

When no one else is listening

I don’t want to be the one

That you fall upon

But it always happens to me

I’m just that guy

My alarm goes off, it’s 6 O’clock

There’s a faint knock upon my door

I rush to answer it, but I can’t get a grip

On what I see when I open it

I can’t believe that you would show up...

Well I don’t want to be that guy

The one that you call

The one that you need

When no one else is listening

I don’t want to be the one

That you fall upon

But it always happens to me

I’m just that guy

Slip Away

Sitting all alone in this darkened room

With a drink in my hand thinking of you

It’s sad to say but it happens every night

As the ice melts away, I feel my drink slip

Further down my hand, I have no grip

I think about the days when I was okay

I slip away when I start to think of you

I slip away when I start to feel blue

I slip away when I start to recall memories

No matter what I do, I always seem to lose

Myself for awhile in this lonely room

I can’t help it, it’s the only thing I know to do

I pour another glass and I quickly drink it down

Trying to erase all the things you did to me

But I can’t seem to make them strong enough

I slip away when I start to think of you

I slip away when I start to feel blue

I slip away when I start to recall memories

As I finish this bottle of the Captain’s finest rum

I can feel the grip he holds on my tongue

And for a moment, I feel fine

I know that when I wake, it’ll all be okay

Your memories will fade, like the ice in my drink

I won’t need to worry; I’ll just let you slip away.....

I slip away when I start to think of you

I slip away when I start to feel blue

I slip away when I start to recall memories

Train Wreck

As I wonder why I am the way I am; it reminds me of something. We cannot predict what happens to us, nor can we begin to understand it. We can only sit back as we listen to the story and predict that it turns out like we hope it to. We are like little train conductors ever vigilantly changing the course of the tracks in hopes that we will make it to the destination unharmed. Only I never feel that way, I feel as if I’m the curious kid that puts a quarter on that bend in the track. The one that violently and without warning; derails the train. One minute everything seems adequate as if it could not get any better; then it happens. There is an explosion, of metal scrapping against metal, sparks fly everywhere, and the accumulation of jumbled cars comes to a sliding halt.

        I sit there and subconsciously watch this little kid, myself, put the quarter on the track. I try to stop him, but with no success, it happens. That bastard of a kid gets that damn quarter on the track. As I try to jump out from the shadows of my mind and take it before it is too late, I cannot. Something holds me back, and it seems the kid knows I'm there, and he has a hold of me. The whole time his face has the biggest smirk, one of those grins that say “Ha Ha, your screwed, and you cannot do anything about it” Well, for the time being I cannot.

        As quick as the train crash happens, the emergency personnel arrive on site. They start looking for survivors, pulling anyone out that they find. They offer me warm greetings, glad that I have survived and that they rescued me. I limp over to one of the ambulances; eagerly waiting attention. I have no internal damages, and the only real thing wrong is…my head hurts. That is what I feel like sometimes…okay all the time. My life is a constant train wreck of destructive decisions and wrong turns. I feel like, at some point, I have disappointed someone; this is just my punishment. I have no one to blame; I did put the quarter on my own track. I would like to assume it gets easier, not to sabotage one’s life, to fix it.

        As my train starts on a new track in life, I hope that I can stop that damn kid from putting another quarter on it. I’ll hurt that kid if he does anything else to derail this new train. He might find himself on a set of tracks, tied down; as if he were in one of those silent films. Yeah, I’ll be that guy who kidnaps him and ties him down. Only the kid will not escape, and the train will arrive on time. I’m tired of running from whatever it is. I plan on standing my ground on this next journey through that perpetual tunnel of life. I challenge everyone to do the same. Try not to let your inner kid derail your train.

Prologue...

Allow me to apologize because I have given everyone the impression that I am a different person. I cannot explain who I am, and trust me I wish I could. I am a paradigm of my childhood. Yes, I have heard it all before; do not blame your past. Well the only problem with that is it is because of my past that I am the way I am. I do not assume any to understand or fully comprehend anything I write. All I ask is that they give me the time to show them that no matter what my past is I am trying to change it. Everyone always labels me as a warm and compassionate person, as much as I appreciate that, these labels are further from the truth than anyone can imagine. I grew up in a family that only showed one love, but I will never try to match it to anyone else’s. I try so hard to be a sweet teddy bear, but the fact is…there is a monster inside of me that I fight with to keep bottled up. I’m losing that fight no matter how hard I try…my heart is fading faster than expected. Only a few know who I am, and it has just got to be that way for now. 

        The darkness is overcoming my soul with each key stroke on this keyboard. If only there was some burning light within this tunnel that has crushed me. I feel cursed as if in my past life I did something so severe that I'm doomed to live a life of constant pain. I understand this all sounds like an outcry for attention, but that is further from the truth. What this correlate’s down to is an example of one person trying to make a difference in his life. He is ready to share with his friends and family his darkest secret.  Maybe they will recognize him or maybe they will shun him for his faults. What I would like to see after all is said and done; is change. I know that only "one person can change you" blah blah blah... It is that exact phrase that makes me wonder. Is it possible? Do I honestly feel it in me to do it? I hope that this is not just for the hell of it. I believe in hind sight I just want to get this off my chest.

        Am I worried about the ramifications of admitting to my darkness? Not at all and I’ll explain why. That is the first step for me, which is also the hardest, and the most important. I am sure that along the way we will enjoy some laughs and for the emotional few, maybe some tears. Either way we will learn the truth about this man’s journey through life. As everyone gets herded along for the trip please keep your hands and feet inside the cart. For I am about to blow your mind! As I take everyone on the scariest roller coaster ride ever imagined by one person. For your reading pleasure or pain, I give everyone who reads a compelling, dark tale of passion so horribly infected with twisted humor that it makes even the sickest person cringe. The story of a man, lost in a world of insecurities and morbidly suffocated with emotions so raw, a sushi bar won’t serve it. To all readers be warned; flip every page with caution as you are all emerged into an uncertainty of one man’s constant struggling with, life, love and the pursuit of his depression. Emerge yourselves into the parallel reality of hatred greed lust and lies. Come on, what did everyone expect? A book riddled with a darkened theme?

Drowning

        The sound of water splashing in an agitated manner gets your attention. Realizing that it is your arms doing the flailing, and your body is slowly getting pulled under. Your lungs are fighting for every last inch of oxygen they can inhale before that last chance. All of a sudden that “light” everyone talks about shines brightly into your eyes and then it happens. Either wake up or go further into the light. No one can keep themselves from this unpleasant act; well not just anyone. I have learned that only one person can go down and pull yourself from the very bottom of that pool. If I had to cut down this dream, I would describe it like this. Turns out, I am the victim but at the same time the person that is also pulling myself under. My friends and family are like the sides of the pool. All it takes is an easy reach of my arm and touching them, and they will help me the rest of the way. The water is everything in my life, i.e. women, jobs, stress, anything that affects that inner balance in your body. It sounds remarkably unpleasant, but that is me on a daily basis and I have started to figure out what I must do. 

        I let so much build up inside that it starts slowly drowning me. I think too much into everything I do or see and please do not even get me started on the love part... I wish that I could just throw everything out of my mind and start over. I’m so tired of trying to understand everything in life that I am unable to find that peace I miss. We have all wished there was an actual "CTRL ALT DEL" that just ended the program. I have, but I think by moving away from all the crummy choices I have made will be my reset. Maybe gain some perspective on who I am suppose to be. By the time, I come around again; I’ll be a changed individual. Next time it seems like your drowning, put your feet down; may be surprised.

Why Dusty's Creek was started

Well it started one night, we were drinking and my boy made the comment "it's like your life is a real episode of Dawson’s Creek" Well needless to say, I knew what I had to do. I have always felt like I have been a somewhat decent writer. English was my best subject, and I loved to write my thoughts down growing up. So I decided to start my own blog site, Dusty's Creek, and it has been a steady movement since it started. If the need ever arises, for a good story, come on over and have a drink with me by the shore. I'm sure that we can find a decent story to tell...after all, when it comes to Dusty's life; there is so much more. I want to give thanks to my boy Papa bear, after all without his tremendous support since I have met him I would not be where I am now. Every time I needed advice I went to him. Now do not get it twisted, I have a lot of friends that have supported me and they will each get their own bon fire by the creek side. 

The fishing is excellent, and the drinks are not that awful. Come get a real, magnificent view of life and how surreal it undoubtedly is. I know that no matter what I will go far in this life, all I have to do is figure out what I want in this life. I have always thought about writing my own book; who knows maybe I will! Hell maybe I'll just start writing my own story in the paper, could be amusing. Who knows maybe it is my calling in this life which, has seen so much sorrow. Well not anymore, I am not going to let anyone bring me down anymore, If some people cannot handle me the way I am then they have no place with me. Well just wanted to give an inside scoop on why this creek started flowing through the hills.

About me.. Dusty

I always disliked having to sit down and think about me. I’m certainly not that enthralling, and if I were, I would not be writing this hoping that someone reads it, I mean let’s be honest; I’m not particularly convincing at this. Who cares about a 5’10” Spanish/White 27 yr old who is trying to survive the “American Dream”; which means I live pay-check to pay-check and do my best to make it. I know what you are thinking, so do not say it, please. I never mentioned this was going to be a fun ride, where you are always first in line I mean trust me, If you want that you may want to quit reading now. This is more or less walking down a dark, damp tunnel. What else can I say that you cannot fill in for yourselves? Let me see, for sport, if I can sum up “Me” in only a few sentences.

Moved around a lot due to a military family life style, but my parents divorced and I wound up in Texas. Went to school in Sonora, before I moved to San Angelo, where I learned something about me that challenged me. I graduated in 2001, and After High School, I joined the Marine Corps; pretty much my first day was 9/11. Go ahead; guess where that ultimately led me. I got out after 4 yrs of Honorable Service and got a security job for a Naval Base in the middle of the desert (not making that up). After 6 yrs of dreadful mistakes and memories, I moved to another desert (weird huh?) New Mexico. It is funny though New Mexico was the best time of my life.

Now I’m working and the Lord keeps opening my eyes every morning. There's not much more to that story; I mean if everyone seriously wants to know the in between...just ask. For now, that is it and like I said not that enthralling. For those readers who manage to reach the end, I'm in no way fishing. Just felt like sharing. So there it is folks "About Me".